31-05-12
3 days into my new relationship and i hate it
i was so happy when asked me out but it was too soon, selfish of him to ask and even more selfish of me to say yes. it’s another silly little game i play - manipulation, possession - i revel in it. someone belonging to me. mine and only mine. except it doesn’t work when you’re on the side that cares more. so quickly, silently i will focus my affection elsewhere, weaken the infatuation and soon feel neutral once more. emotionless is perfection. i refuse to be cheated on and lied to and hurt again, i refuse those sleepless night of feeling numbed by pure hard pain on my chest weighing down like thousands of knives just piercing through, i refuse to be alone. i have my friends. i have my cousin. i have my family. i don’t need this. this was always another option, a maybe, a want and never ever ever a need. and i refuse one last time, to let it be anything more than that. i don’t care. i seriously don’t. all my caring has been abused and torn apart and i am sick of this.
i always care too much for my own good.
he can go flirt with everyone, i don’t give a shit anymore. he can go on what he openly expresses as dates with his “friend”, i don’t care. i’m not even going to compete, the guilt will stay with him and it will rot him slowly. his “friend” apparently likes someone else but i doubt it even matters, they both just want anyone they can, they like enjoying themselves to the point of other peoples harm only adds to the fun. i’m not human. i refuse it.
im going to emotionless from now on, and i won’t let myself feel a thing. i’ll have fun, sure. i’ll mess about, sure. but the serious stuff can wait, and i’m gonna just muck about. this summer will be perfect and i refuse to let one fucking cock that calls himself my boyfriend ruin it.
i refuse too much.
